THE BOY calling the kettle WOLF

First created and performed in Glasgow in May 2014 by Jack Stancliffe, Daisy Douglas, Asta Tomasdottir, and Peter E. Smart.

This version developed and first performed at Summerhall, Edinburgh in February 2016 by Jack Stancliffe, Asta Tomasdottir, Peter E. Smart, and Jak Soroka.

THE BOY calling the kettle WOLF

PART 1

[PART 1 is filmed by a camera placed at the back of the audience]

Jack likes to party
Jack wants you to know that he likes to party
so now you know
Jack likes to party
it is a known known
you know
that you know
that Jack likes to party
Jack knows it too
he knows you know
but what’s that Jack?
oh really?
well that’s interesting.
Jack wants you to know that he hates to party
he hates it
well now I don’t know what to believe
one minute he likes to party
now he hates it
I just don’t know
I know
that I don’t know
Jack’s position on parties
it is a known unknown
but what’s that Jack?
oh really?
well that’s interesting.
okay, my lips are sealed
Jack doesn’t want you to know what he just told me
Sorry
this one is an unknown unknown
I know
Jack knows
but you don’t know
you don’t even know
what you don’t even know
known known
unknown known
unknown unknown
known known
unknown known
unknown unknown

DAISY: Hey, it’s Daisy. Just to let you know that something’s come up and I’m not going to be able to make it tonight. Sorry for the short notice – hope you have a great time. Ok, bye.

ZITA: I’m really glad I bumped into you actually,
Because I’m having a party this weekend and I thought it could be a great opportunity to catch up with friends who I haven’t seen for a while
Your ex can’t make it so I thought it would be safe to invite you
I’m basically looking to make up the numbers
My friend’s band will play a couple of songs – you’ll love them they’re just great
They’re… terrible
It’s fancy dress
I thought it would be funny if only you turned up in fancy dress
And David’s older brother’s girlfriend boyfriend? “friend” knows someone from school a dodgy guy across the road who’s a dealer which is great ‘cause that’s the kind of crazy bunch we are
I will not allow drugs into my home
Will there be many people there? Yeah! No!
But you know, small is good small is good. Some of my best nights have been with one or two people.
Yeah like this time it was just me and Simon You know Simon right?
Yeah no I don’t really like him either
Yeah – boring!
As if I don’t have anything better to do than listen to him go on about his stamp collection.
But sometimes you’ve just got to make up the numbers.

ASTA: I was invited to this party last week, but couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted to go. According to my social media profile, I’d already ran 10k, submitted a master’s level essay and re-decorated the spare bedroom this week. If I had decided to skip the party, I would have had the evidence to back up my fatigue driven excuse. But then I didn’t want to seem like my achievements were getting me down or that my schedule was too much. These were all solitary activities and I didn’t want people to think that I had a social anxiety or something. And I needed a new profile picture, I hadn’t updated it since I changed my hair colour. Surely showing up and looking good would prove more of a point than staying in. Plus I had a matter to settle with Jack. He’s been really secretive lately and I can’t stand it when people aren’t completely themselves, you know.

Anyway so I got to the party and I was pleasantly surprised to see Peter there. He had come straight from his part-time job as a personal trainer, so his attire was questionable. After a couple of mojitos, no one cared about Peter‘s tank top anymore, it actually fit quite well with the latin vibe the host was going for. I was on my way to the bathroom when I overheard Peter having a conversation with someone:

PETER: My sister once told me that her friend went to school with somebody who was related to someone interesting. I think this was about a year ago. I was suitably impressed.
A few weeks ago I saw my sister‘s friend. I said to him:
My sister told me that you go to school with somebody who‘s related to somebody interesting.
About a year ago I think.
And he said:
“I made that up“
So I said “But I Was suitably impressed“
And he said:
“Nope, it was bollocks.“
So there you go.
It was bollocks.

ASTA: I remembered Peter telling me about this. After eavesdropping a little longer, hoping for something a bit raunchier, I carried on my trip to the bathroom and kept on dancing after that. It was a good night, I was glad that I decided to go.

PETER: I’m going to tell you about my cat.
My cat has no name. For now let’s call him the cat.
Before we start I’d like to take a bit of responsibility.
If I’d remembered to take the tin
Of the food
From the cupboard
Open the tin
Put the food
Into the bowl
Then the cat wouldn’t have been hungry and the following events could have been avoided. Nevertheless my cat was hungry.
He flipped a fish into the frying pan and stretched his furry arm to the back of every cupboard crying more, more, more or maybe it was meow meow meow.
He tore and tore but before he saw, he’d caught his claw on the freezer door. Now my poor kitty’s got a sore paw. Aw.
His second mistake was to try to eat the fish straight off the heat. His teeth were up to it but his tongue was not. And obviously cats can’t cook so he had a bit of stomach trouble too.
So then, the cat, with his three considerable troubles of toes, tongue and tummy, looked to the window.
Either he would use up one of his many lives and come back good as new and slightly better looking, or naturally would land on his feet and be the same cat at a different altitude.
He took his look of surprise into the next life.
Then cat splat covered the pavement.
You’re right we’ve spoken about this before.

JACK: I’m having a great time. Asta are you having a good time?

ASTA: I’m having a great time. Zita are you having a good time?

ZITA: I’m having a great time. Peter are you having a good time?

PETER: I’m not having a good / time

ZITA: Jack are you having a good time?

JACK: I’m having a great time. Asta, what’s the difference between a good time and a great time?

ASTA: A good time is what we could be having; a great time is what we are having!

PETER: I’m not having a good time

ASTA: This is even better than the penguins at the zoo

ZITA: This is even better than my favourite smash hit single

JACK: This is even better than watching the video of people falling off of skateboards

PETER: That video is good

ASTA: That’s more like it Peter!

PETER: This is not as good

ZITA: Oh shut up Peter

ASTA: Yeah shut up Peter

JACK: Yeah shut up peter, you always ruin everything

ZITA: Yeah you always ruin everything

ASTA: yeah you always ruin everything

ASTA: Don’t worry. He just gets a bit like this sometimes. He tries, he really tries, to put himself in situations where he can meet people, have a good time, relax a bit. The truth is, though, that Peter’s never felt totally comfortable in new company. It’s a shame really. I remember this one time that he was throwing our friend a leaving party. The party was in his house. It was a relaxed party. There was food for the guests. A couple of bottles of wine. Cushions in the living room. The lighting was dim. The music was not too loud, he did not want to disturb the neighbours.

JACK: We have learnt that Peter is considerate. He tends to think things through. Here’s another example. Remember that this party was for our friend who was leaving? So to Peter’s mind, this meant it was not strictly his party. He was throwing the party. The party was in his house. It was not his party. He wrote a guest list full of the friends of the friend who was leaving. He had only met one or two of them. At the same time he only invited a small number of his own friends. The guests started arriving and he welcomed the strangers into his home. Peter felt pleased, he felt relaxed, he had done a good job.

ASTA: But at one point he answered the door and a group of people pushed past him and headed straight upstairs. He couldn’t help notice that one of them has a face the shape of a lemon. That’s not important. What is important is that Peter found this impolite. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t his party. It was still his house

PETER: They all talked really loudly.
They kept on changing the music.
hey tapped on the glass of the goldfish bowl.
They got muddy footprints on the carpet.
They never said their p’s and q’s.
And everybody thought they were so great.

JACK: At 11:30pm, he looks around the living room and realises that he hardly recognises anybody. It’s odd to throw a party at your house and not know anyone, he told me. He looks out of the window into the garden where a group of them are standing, joined by his friend who is leaving.

ZITA: He thinks maybe he should join them. These are friends of a friend. Of the friend who is leaving. He pictures himself going out to the garden, being polite, and how they’ll probably tell him to piss off because that’s the kind of people they are. Peter is a very good judge of character. His friend would make some remark at his expense. He would stand there, in silence, in the dark, and wish that he had never agreed to host this party.

ASTA: He imagined all this, surrounded by friends and strangers. And he thought – fuck it. Instead, he got a pen, and some paper, wrote on it, and left the note on the fridge. He went to bed, in the middle of the party, smiling.

JACK: Peter never told me what he wrote; but he explained it like this: that moment was an important point in a story he would later tell. That if he could later choose what he would tell me, he could also make that decision now. That the future is a question of selective memory. That when the truth is no longer with us, the only thing left to do is to make it all up.

ASTA: Trouble is - you can always spot a liar.

DAISY: Hi Jack, it’s me again. Just checking you got my message and you’re not wondering where I am. Have a lovely evening! Bye.

VOICE 1: Hey Asta, it’s me. Not going to get there tonight I’m afraid – my bicycle is broken and I don’t feel comfortable travelling on other means of transport

VOICE 2: Zita! So basically I’m making my way to yours but got totally lost. I’m not really sure where I am? Could you give me a call back?

DAISY: Hey guys, still Daisy. So yeah, let me know when you’re having another one – wouldn’t miss it for the world. Love you!

CAST: I left you a sour note
Because You’ve got a sour face
On the sour note I drew

A picture of your sour face
All the things I didn’t say
All the things you thought I did
The maybe not, yes today
Yes you’ve got a sour face.

Ah those questions of did you did you not maybe really yeah for sure I agree I don’t agree maybe I don’t want to tell you no wait maybe I should better think of something else yes no no no no wait are you lying to me maybe yes maybe I haven’t been that honest with you the real fact of the matter is that actually no forget it no no no maybe not definitely so the thing is ahh of cause yes yes yes erm no I didn’t.

I left you a sour note
Because You’ve got a sour face
On the sour note I drew

A picture of your sour face
All the things I didn’t say
All the things you thought I did
The maybe not, yes today
Yes you’ve got a sour face.

INTERVAL

PART 2

[During PART 2 the film of PART 1 plays silently behind the cast]

JACK: Hi everybody, thanks for sticking around. Before we start the second half I just want to check that everybody’s back in their seats. So if someone you know is still getting a drink, or there’s a seat next to you that had someone in it but is now empty, give us a shout now. OK great.

Hello this is a note from the cast of THE BOY calling the kettle WOLF. Thank you for staying and thank you for not leaving. Right now, one of us will be reading the text written on this paper to you. Who this person is depends on who gets dressed the quickest. If Jack is the one reading this, we apologise if the message is not getting across clearly. This section ‘PART 2’ of THE BOY calling the kettle WOLF will be a commentary of the performance you’ve seen so far, up to the interval. We have a few guidelines to frame this section. They are the following:
1/ Although this section is planned, it is not rehearsed.
2/ We will be speaking in sync to the projector behind us. Apologies if we fall short or go over. If we do, forgive us.
We have begun.

ZITA: The first question we asked ourselves was: what makes a good story? Why do we tell stories? Who are they for? We spent about two weeks generating loads of questions and all going in different directions. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted to say. It was really frustrating, we were all quite tense. Asta and Jack didn’t talk to each other for… uh…

JACK: Three days

ASTA: Three days

ZITA: Right. Somehow we realised all our best stories were from social situations or parties, so we decided to throw our own. That party was literally the best thing we could’ve done for our process because not only did we hear all kinds of stories - funny ones, sad ones - but we found we already had loads of our own to tell. And Jack and Asta are fine now.

JACK: I think it reminded us of how important is was to find the fun in what we were doing. We started regularly taking the time to play games together, and make sure that no matter how the work was going, we were still friends.

And, this might sound a bit farfetched, so just bear with me: but games are interesting! The way they operate, or, the way they function. Take the popular board game Guess Who. You conceal your character from the other player, while simultaneously trying to guess your opponent’s character through a process of ‘narrowing down’. Whereas in the popular parlour game Charades, you attempt to reveal your answer to the other players by ‘opening up’ the possibilities of, uh, well, uh, gestural meaning, I suppose.

And again, if this sounds a bit much then just bear with me because well - one day I was having lunch in the park. There was a man on the bench opposite me, and I was reminded of a character from the popular board game Guess Who called Luke Bryson. Big puppy eyes, big ginger beard, bushy eyebrows, sticky out ears and a bald head. It just felt like, well it felt like it was just staring me in the face. Particularly when he stared at me.

ASTA: I was going to tell you this story that an old man told me last summer. I was in the public pool sauna back home with my mum, and pass it off as my own, but then I thought it wouldn’t be appropriate because he had told me the story with such sincerity and trust. The first half, well, it just didn’t have the right atmosphere. But I wanted to take the opportunity to tell it to you here, where I could give it the time and the sincerity that it deserves.

He told me about the story of him and his wife. It is set in Copenhagen during the 50’s. He was Icelandic and there to study engineering. He was not much for going to the dancing, as he preferred to focus on his studies, but this one Friday night, for a reason he could not pinpoint himself, he agreed to join his schoolmate for a drink. They were on their way to a particular pub, but as they walked past Hotel Alexandra that night, they found themselves drawn in. The hotel bar was nearly empty, apart from a couple of tourists and two young women sitting at a table towards the back. The young engineer spotted Ida immediately. She was wearing a green dress with a rosy pattern and had blonde wavy hair. He grabbed his pal’s shoulder, pointed at her and said: That is the girl I am going to marry! They spent the whole evening talking and she agreed to meet him at the cinema the following afternoon. Before the date, his palms were sweating. He had never been as nervous before a date and really wanted to impress this girl. She showed up, and looked even lovelier than the night before. He kissed the back of her hand and they joined the queue for the box office. To his horror, he realised that he had forgotten his wallet at home and embarrassingly had to ask Ida to pay for the tickets. He was mortified and promised that he would make this date up to her. After the film, he walked her to her door and then ran home as fast as he could, put on his best suit, stopped at the local florist’s for a bouquet of roses, the flowers that he had seen on her dress the first night they met. He hired a horse and carriage and rode back to Ida’s apartment. Would you happen to be free for dinner tonight? He asked her as she answered the door. They drove to Copenhagen’s finest restaurant and requested a table. Our young engineer spent every little penny he had left for the month, but it worked. Ida was impressed, and keen to be his girlfriend. When he finished his studies, Ida moved back to Iceland with him and they had three children. They had forty beautiful years together before she fell ill and passed away. He said that during all that time, they only argued once, over a designer handbag that he had bought for her but she wanted him to take back because it was too expensive. The old man described his wife as quiet, kind and selfless, as his best friend that he missed every day.

PETER: Sorry to stop you Asta, but we’re not in time with the video any more, I think we’ve missed a bit

ASTA: Oh really?

PETER: Erm

ASTA: Wait, maybe

PETER: Yes, but I can’t think…

JACK: Is it the bit when we couldn’t tell the time?

PETER: No, I don’t think so anyway

ZITA: The bit about the message in my junk mail?

PETER: Um, maybe? No, no,

ASTA: Not the bit where you talk about the title?

PETER: No.

JACK: The bit about the orange peel?

PETER: No.

ZITA: The bit about the change in heart?

PETER: No.

ASTA: The bit about the plastic teapot?

PETER: No.

ZITA: The bit about the embarrassing shape?

PETER: No.

JACK: The part where you talk really quickly and we tell you to slow down?

PETER: No.

ZITA: The bit with the bow tie?

PETER: No.

ASTA: The one with the ghost?

PETER: No.

JACK: The bit with the shoe?

PETER You mean the broken shoelace?

JACK: No.

PETER: Then No.

ASTA: In that case, we’d like to give you the opportunity to give us the opportunity to talk about ourselves. Does anybody have any questions?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Do you mean the bit about the washing machine and the small child?

PETER: No, that’s not the bit we mean.

ASTA: Any other questions? Yes, [address the AUDIENCE MEMBER by name].

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I really liked the bit with the cat dance, could you tell me more about that?

ASTA: Well [address the AUDIENCE MEMBER by name] I’m very glad you asked me that. This bit is very fun isn’t it. But just to prove that we did put a lot of work into it, we have collected some of our favourite facts about cats that we came across when we were researching.

We would like to share our findings with you. Jack, would you care to kick us off with the first cat fact?

[Performers take it in turns to read the cat facts]

The most traveled cat is Hamlet, who escaped from his carrier while on a flight. He hid for seven weeks behind a pane. By the time he was discovered, he had traveled nearly 373,000 miles (600,000 km).

A commemorative tower was built in Scotland for a cat named Towser, who caught nearly 30,000 mice in her lifetime

Cats are extremely sensitive to vibrations. Cats are said to detect earthquake tremors 10 or 15 minutes before humans can.

Grown cats have 30 teeth. Kittens have about 26 temporary teeth, which they lose when they are about 6 months old.

A group of cats is called a Meurtre, which is derived from French word meurtre meaning murder.

In the original Italian version of Cinderella, the benevolent fairy godmother figure was a cat.

Cats used to use their paws to scoop food into their mouths but as they grew more hygienic, but through evolution, lapping up their food became the primary method.

A cat can’t climb head first down a tree because every claw on a cat’s paw points the same way. To get down from a tree, a cat must be helped down, as their periphery vision makes them unable to travel backwards.

A cat rubs against people not only to be affectionate but also to mark out its territory with scent glands around its face. The tail area and paws also carry the cat’s scent.

A female cat is called a queen or a molly. The term popping molly, which means to take ecstasy comes from the 60‘s, when a scientist in North Carolina tested the drug on a female cat named Molly.

When a family cat died in ancient Egypt, family members would mourn by shaving off their eyebrows. They also held elaborate funerals during which they drank wine and beat their breasts. The cat was embalmed with a sculpted wooden mask and the tiny mummy was placed in the family tomb or in a pet cemetery with tiny mummies of mice.

Researchers believe the word “tabby” comes from Attabiyah, a neighbourhood in Baghdad, Iraq. Tabbies got their name because their striped coats resembled the famous wavy patterns in the silk produced in this city.

PETER: It’s time to play we know but do we really know. For those of you who haven’t played before I will ask a series of questions and the contestants will tell me whether or not they know the answer but not the actual answer itself. Question 1:

[questions are responded to by each cast member in turn with the word ‘known’ or ‘unknown’]

In science, who invented the light bulb?

In retail, what do the letters B and Q stand for?

In geography, what is the capital of Australia? No, I’m afraid the correct answer is Canberra.

In television, what was the total amount raised by the BBC’s Children in Need in 1996?

In transport, what model of bicycle does the Prime Minister ride into work each morning?

As a percentage, in the aftermath of the flooding of November 2015, by how much did orders on Amazon for inflatable dinghies increase?

In art history, famous french sculptures depicting the “art of love” built some time in 950 AD – 1050 AD are known as what?

In food and drink, what is the most common flavour of soup served at the Cadogan Street Soup Kitchen in Glasgow?

In 2009, which UK television presenter was appointed Chief Scout, at the age of 35, by the Scout Association?

In 2015, when a Russian fighter plane was shot down outside the Turkish border, what language did the Turkish fighter pilots issue their warnings in?

In linguistics, what name beginning with T belongs to the person responsible for the murder of Alexander Litvinenko?

In dogs, a taco terrier is a cross between a toy cross terrier and which other breed of dog originating in latin America?

I’m afraid that’s all we have time for, thanks for playing We Know But Do We Really Know? Who even wrote these questions? I don’t know. Known unknown. Thanks for watching. Goodnight.

ZITA: Depending on your memory of part 1, you’ll see that we’re now approaching the end of tonight’s show. We sit with you and tell a story, we stand, we jog on the spot and shout a bit, and that’s it. Before we finish, we just want to take this opportunity to thank all of you for coming, for sticking around, and for joining in. We really couldn’t have done it without you. Jack, do you have any memories of the show tonight that you’d like to share?

JACK: [Shares a memory] And you Asta?

ASTA: [Shares a memory] What about you Zita?

ZITA: [Shares a memory] Peter?

PETER: Yes, my sister once told me that her friend went to school with somebody who was related to someone interesting. I think this was about a year ago. I was suitably impressed.
A few weeks ago I saw my sister’s friend. I said to him:
My sister told me that you go to school with somebody who’s related to somebody interesting. About a year ago, I think.
And he said:
“I made that up”
So I said:
“You made it up?”
“Yep. It was bollocks”
“But I was suitably impressed.”
“That was the point” he said
That was the point?
I repeated it back to him: “That was the point?”
“Yep. It was bollocks”
“But I’ve already told everyone that my sister told me that her friend and by her friend I mean you went to school with somebody who was related to somebody interesting. I’ve already told them it was about a year ago. I’ve already told them I was impressed.”
“That was the point” he said
“We all compared our distant connections to people who are interesting and we agreed that your particular connection was the closest and the most interesting and we agreed it unanimously”
“That was the point”, he said
“I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough,” I said, “I did my hair like the interesting person, put on a pair of glasses, held a pose just like the famous pose the interesting person does that everybody would recognise and you took a photograph. I put the photograph on facebook. I tagged my sister, my sister’s friend by which I mean you, you tagged your friend, and your friend tagged the interesting person. It got 47 likes and 19 comments. It got 71 likes if you include the likes on the comments. For the first time I had hit upon something larger than myself. Something other people had an understanding of. Something universal. And by expressing this fundamental, universal concept by which I obviously mean the interesting person I had managed to communicate with a room full of people.”
“You made that bit up” he said
“Yep,” I said, “it was bollocks.”
And that is a true story.

END.